6 Reasons Your Apartment Maintenance Man Hates You
Six is an arbitrary number that I just pulled out of my head. I have no idea if there are six reasons yet.. but I will not revise this title, unless i come up with like 20 or something.
1. You love to litter
It doesn’t matter what it is. Aluminum cans, food wrappers, beer bottles and cigarette butts; everywhere. One can literally spend a half of the day picking up trash, and the next day it’s like we never even tried. For one, cleaning out your car shouldn’t mean that dumping everything into the parking lot; including the contents of your ashtray. Seriously, where the fuck did you grow up? I mean, really. You look at us like we’re degenerates for being the guy with the rubber gloves and the little picker thing walking around the building picking up garbage as you chain smoke; We look at you as white trash because you don’t care enough to not trash your own home.
2. Those security cameras? Yeah, they’re real.
We’ve seen you break into the vending machines, steal people’s laundry; hell we even saw you give that guy a hummer. Your first instinct in such a situation? Walk right up to the camera so we can get a good look at your face, while you try to decide if the camera is real. Newsflash; it is. Even better, they’re networked on the internet, so as if we don’t see enough of your mugs in the morning, we can make fun of you in the evening.
3. The no pets thing…. We really meant it.
It’s not that we hate animals. In fact, most of us have our own pets. I have two dogs myself. However, much like everything else in your life; you can’t be trusted with an animal. We’ve already seen what you do to the parking lot, do you honestly think you care enough to clean up after an animal if it pisses on the floor? Mistakes happen, and sometimes even the best pet owner will find a stain on move out.. However, dog crap ground into the carpet doesn’t fall under this umbrella.
4. Lightbulbs, they stay with the apartment.
Much like you’re not allowed to take the toilet with you when you leave, the lightbulbs stay too. We made sure each and everyone of them worked when you moved in, least you could do is not steal them on your way out. Come on people, they’re $3.96 for 12 down at Lowes. There’s ~17 lightbulbs in a two bedroom apartment, including the fridge. The only ones you didn’t take were the ones that were already burnt out.
5. Drywall and your fist, an introduction best not made.
I’m not sure why it is, but it seems that a high number of adult male apartment dwellers love to play “Human Stud Finder.” Some win, some lose. In any event, no matter if you find the stud with your fist, the maintenance guys always lose. Our only consolation prize is that if you do happen to find a stud, you might break your hand and learn a valuable lesson about physics.
6. What you do in your apartment is your business, as long as you shut the door and the blinds.
We give you a door because well, they come that way. We give you blinds so that when you’re walking around your apartment in the nude, we don’t have to see. There are some exceptions to this rule, of course. However, thus far; I have not seen anyone naked in an apartment that was a positive experience. I’m just sayin. Also, when answering the door, clothes would be nice. Hasn’t happened to me, but it has happened. Purposefully.
So anyway, that’s six for now. I’m sure there’s more. Good times.
